HEY UP, MATRON!

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Hey Up, Matron! is a tongue-in-cheek, hilarious roller-coaster ride through a day in the life of an NHS hospital ward from the perspective of its long-suffering patients.

With tyrannical nurses and ancillary staff, poor defenceless patients, ‘well meaning’ visitors and an ensemble of nosey pigeons watching from the window ledge, you can be sure that ‘Hey Up, Matron!’ is page after page of laugh-out-loud reading.

Based on the real-life experiences of the author.

 

Excerpt:

7am – Wakey wakey sleepy heads, time for your medications and breakfast! Did she say breakfast? But its only 7 o’bleeding clock. My stomachs still lay down wondering what the hell’s going on at this ungodly hour. It’s the middle of the bloody night!

They must reserve the early morning shift for the stormtroopers of the nursing fraternity. The ones who were routed and chased from the daytime ward by irate patients with flaming torches and pitchforks who had quite clearly had a referendum and voted unanimously to evict these whores from hell. Yeah, well they didn’t go very far did they? They’re here, goose-stepping their way around the once calm and tranquil wards. Even the poor pigeons are giving the window pane a good pecking as if to say,

‘Will you keep the bleeding noise down?’

There’s no reasoning with them either, they know it and they love it. Some try to hide the fact but most just show their contempt with a sly grin and a twinkle in the left eye that suggests where you can shove your pitchfork!

So anyway, I drag myself to the upright position, not daring to use the new electrically operated bed controls until I’ve got some caffeine coursing through my veins, for fear of hitting the wrong button and ending up like a deranged 3D pop-up book. When Eva Braun finally gets around to my bed I’m thinking to myself,

​ ‘I could have had another half an hour asleep, you devils back-scratcher!’.

​ She starts listing all my meds out to me, quite an impressive list if I do say so my-self, which I do. At each one she looks to me for confirmation? My brain is still looking for the jump leads, never mind confirming medications. You could have suggested the contraceptive pill or crack cocaine and I would have said yes. But I am still here typing this so it must have all ended alright.